I feel alone

I woke up today having lukewarm feelings about how the day was going to turn out. As a Christian, I believe in the power of my thoughts, confessions, and the law of attraction. I, therefore, professed and confessed that everything would be fine and I would have a great day. But I’m not! The truth is, I am tired. But I have nowhere to go. My real friends and family are miles and miles away. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. I am scared to say I am depressed but I may be. I say I have friends and I may be a bit of a people person but I am beginning to doubt that.

All my friends are busy going about their daily lives. Some are at conferences, others at workshops. Some did not show up to the office today. And I have got myself wondering, do they go through the same things I go through? People see me as a strong person. I try my best to nurture a “smile” on my face always. For that reason, most of my family and friends think I have a grasp of what I am doing and I will be fine. As a matter of fact, they believe I am always fine. No, I’m not! Because of that, they never really ask how I am doing, or how my research degree is actually going. They rather always come to me for help. The truth is, I am human; I have blood flowing through my veins. I am, therefore, prone to the exact same feelings every other human goes through on a daily basis. I need help. I need people to check up on me too. I need people to offer to help me. I feel alone!

Do you ever ask yourself if all your struggle is worth it? Do you ever ask yourself why and how everyone smiling around you probably has life figured out and how they did it? I am suffocating! I am scared I may not finish my degree on time. I am scared I may fail. I aim for the cum laude and I am scared my work may not be good enough. But to whom do I go for motivation? My family is busy going about their business. My friends have their own issues. I can only talk to God but He seems distant these few days. I feel alone!

I need to know that things will be okay. That I will be fine. That everyone goes through this stage. This is my musing. I need help. I am suffocating. What should I do? I may be intelligent, but I am emotionally weak. Did everyone experience what I am experiencing? I have read about other peoples’ experiences but I never was able to empathise because I didn’t know how it felt. I am writing this as a sort of documentation for my future self. I want to be able to come back and read this to myself when all is going well. I need my future students to read this and know that I went through the same troubles as they will be going through in the future.

This is the most depressing article I have ever written. I try to stay positive always. In fact, it was one of my year’s resolutions. But today, I can’t stay calm.  I want to convince myself that it is kind of influenced by the news I am hearing all around me: People getting hijacked, lynched, raped, and murdered every day. What is happening in this world we are living in? What if I go through all this struggle only to be lynched mistakenly when I get back home, where I think I belong because I was mistaken for a robber or a thief? Is life worth all the struggle? Someone, please answer me.